Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
not ubering you a puppy
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
