my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
MIDGETS
????
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize