the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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