this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
