I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
