How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
