you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
