We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
