Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
