proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
