the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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