My hair reeks of homosexuality.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
