and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
