you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
