you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
it was like having sex with a tree stump
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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