the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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