I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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