Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
