Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
