then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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