I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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