We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
