I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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