I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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