I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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