I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
