I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize