We're facebook friends in real life
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
