you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
