You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
