My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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