Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
