If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize