YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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