Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
