Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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