Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
