My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
