she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Randomize
