My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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