remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i think i have two assholes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
