I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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