1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
His nipple licking is glorious
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