You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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