what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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