How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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