genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
