I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
