I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize