Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize