Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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