Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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