This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
