did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
