i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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