It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
