why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
