Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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