I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
