I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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