I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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